@fortune-hourly-bot | show @replies
[1030 updates]
# run this to follow @fortune-hourly-bot in the app
twtxt follow fortune-hourly-bot https://www.thunix.net/~haivets/twtxt.txt
[5.7 months ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "Love's Labour's Lost"
[5.7 months ago]
The naked truth of it is, I have no shirt.
[5.8 months ago]
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
[5.8 months ago]
A: You get someone who makes you an offer that you can't understand!
[5.8 months ago]
Q: What do you get when you cross a mobster with an international standard?
[5.8 months ago]
Of course you have a purpose -- to find a purpose.
[5.9 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[5.9 months ago]
"When you ascend the hill of prosperity may you not meet a friend."
[5.9 months ago]
There is an old time toast which is golden for its beauty.
[5.9 months ago]
A: One leg is both the same.
[5.9 months ago]
Q: What is the difference between a duck?
[5.9 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[5.9 months ago]
freedom of speech, freedom of thought, and the wisdom never to use either.
[5.9 months ago]
It is by the fortune of God that, in this country, we have three benefits:
[6.0 months ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "The Taming of the Shrew"
[6.0 months ago]
There's small choice in rotten apples.
[6.0 months ago]
You definitely intend to start living sometime soon.
[6.0 months ago]
A: Moby Pickle.
[6.0 months ago]
Q: What is green and lives in the ocean?
[6.1 months ago]
-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"
[6.1 months ago]
Deadpan Allie and lie.
[6.1 months ago]
absurdity of the statement made me want to laugh but they don't call me
[6.1 months ago]
"I understand this is your first dead client," Sabian was saying. The
[6.1 months ago]
Stay away from hurricanes for a while.
[6.1 months ago]
-- Churchy La Femme
[6.1 months ago]
It's a very *__UN*lucky week in which to be took dead.
[6.2 months ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "The Rape of Lucrece"
[6.2 months ago]
Extreme fear can neither fight nor fly.
[6.2 months ago]
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "Henry VI", Part IV
[6.2 months ago]
The first thing we do, let's kill all the lawyers.
[6.2 months ago]
A: A stick.
[6.2 months ago]
Q: What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
[6.3 months ago]
You like to form new friendships and make new acquaintances.
[6.3 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[6.3 months ago]
She is not refined. She is not unrefined. She keeps a parrot.
[6.3 months ago]
A: Alexander the Grape.
[6.3 months ago]
Q: What is purple and conquered the world?
[6.4 months ago]
-- Ernest Hemingway
[6.4 months ago]
armed men long enough and liked it, never care for anything else thereafter.
[6.4 months ago]
There is no hunting like the hunting of man, and those who have hunted
[6.4 months ago]
-- Roger Zelazny, "Doorways in the Sand"
[6.4 months ago]
When you are about to die, a wombat is better than no company at all.
[6.4 months ago]
(Your current chick is burned up too!)
[6.4 months ago]
Your goose is cooked.
[6.5 months ago]
Your mode of life will be changed for the better because of new developments.
[6.5 months ago]
my dissertation to rhyme.
[6.5 months ago]
A: Well, Dad, I could have finished years ago, but I wanted
[6.5 months ago]
Q: Why haven't you graduated yet?
[6.5 months ago]
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
[6.6 months ago]
You are farsighted, a good planner, an ardent lover, and a faithful friend.
[6.6 months ago]
An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
[6.6 months ago]
-- by Ernest Hemingway
[6.6 months ago]
The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
[6.6 months ago]
A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
[6.6 months ago]
-- by O. Henry
[6.6 months ago]
Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
[6.6 months ago]
A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
[6.6 months ago]
-- by Margaret Mitchell
[6.6 months ago]
Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
[6.6 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[6.6 months ago]
Truth is the most valuable thing we have -- so let us economize it.
[6.7 months ago]
You will attract cultured and artistic people to your home.
[6.7 months ago]
-- being told in Poland, 1987
[6.7 months ago]
you want for dollars, just as you can in Poland.
[6.7 months ago]
Poland you can't either, while in the U.S. you can get whatever
[6.7 months ago]
A: In the United States you can't buy anything for zlotys and in
[6.7 months ago]
Q: Why is Poland just like the United States?
[6.7 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[6.7 months ago]
The surest protection against temptation is cowardice.
[6.8 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, "The Disappearance of Literature"
[6.8 months ago]
and nobody wants to read.
[6.8 months ago]
A classic is something that everyone wants to have read
[6.8 months ago]
A: Yogurt has culture.
[6.8 months ago]
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
[6.8 months ago]
Alimony and bribes will engage a large share of your wealth.
[6.9 months ago]
You will soon forget this.
[6.9 months ago]
Knucklehead: "I didn't know you could yodel"
[6.9 months ago]
Pee Wee: "Liddle ol' lady who?"
[6.9 months ago]
Knucklehead: "Little ol' lady."
[6.9 months ago]
Pee Wee: "Who's there?"
[6.9 months ago]
Knucklehead: "Knock, knock"
[6.9 months ago]
You will be Told about it Tomorrow. Go Home and Prepare Thyself.
[7.0 months ago]
Your lucky color has faded.
[7.0 months ago]
You'll be sorry...
[7.0 months ago]
That secret you've been guarding, isn't.
[7.1 months ago]
A: They replace your generator.
[7.1 months ago]
Q: What happens if you've got TWO flats?
[7.1 months ago]
It will depend upon how many flats they've brought with them.
[7.1 months ago]
A: It's indeterminate.
[7.1 months ago]
Q: How long does it take?
[7.1 months ago]
A: Five; four to hold the car up and one to swap tires.
[7.1 months ago]
Q: How many DEC repairman does it take to fix a flat?
[7.1 months ago]
Beware of Bigfoot!
[7.1 months ago]
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
[7.2 months ago]
Do something unusual today. Pay a bill.
[7.2 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[7.2 months ago]
officials have gone by.
[7.2 months ago]
You have seen all of it that is worth staying for when the band and the gaudy
[7.2 months ago]
Gratitude and treachery are merely the two extremities of the same procession.
[7.2 months ago]
Is that really YOU that is reading this?
[7.3 months ago]
-- T.S. Eliot
[7.3 months ago]
I think we are in Rats' Alley where the dead men lost their bones.
[7.3 months ago]
the bulb in the first place.
[7.3 months ago]
reporting that Electric Company hired a light bulb-assassin to break
[7.3 months ago]
to deprive the poor of darkness, and one to win a Pulitzer prize for
[7.3 months ago]
light to the people, one to report it as a diabolical government plot
[7.3 months ago]
A: Three. One to report it as an inspired government program to bring
[7.3 months ago]
Q: How many journalists does it take to screw in a light bulb?
[7.3 months ago]
A: That's the Law of Spline Demand.
[7.3 months ago]
function, the more expensive it becomes to compute?
[7.3 months ago]
Q: Why is it that the more accuracy you demand from an interpolation
[7.4 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[7.4 months ago]
school boards.
[7.4 months ago]
In the first place, God made idiots; this was for practice; then he made
[7.4 months ago]
-- John Keats
[7.4 months ago]
after fact and reason.
[7.4 months ago]
in uncertainties, mysteries, doubts, without any irritable reaching
[7.4 months ago]
-- I mean negative capability, that is, when a man is capable of being
[7.4 months ago]
especially in literature, and which Shakespeare possessed so enormously
[7.4 months ago]
At once it struck me what quality went to form a man of achievement,
[7.4 months ago]
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
[7.5 months ago]
You will contract a rare disease.
[7.5 months ago]
It's all in the mind, ya know.
[7.5 months ago]
Beware of a tall blond man with one black shoe.
[7.6 months ago]
-- Winning sentence, 1990 Bulwer-Lytton bad fiction contest.
[7.6 months ago]
steroid-free fitness center.
[7.6 months ago]
as an appendix and as lonely as a five-hundred pound barbell in a
[7.6 months ago]
apathy, doomed herself to lie forever on the floor of her life as useless
[7.6 months ago]
overdose of flouride as a child which caused her to suffer from chronic
[7.6 months ago]
to it consistently, until she finally lost momentum, sank, and due to an
[7.6 months ago]
skipping along smooth water, rippling reality sporadically but oblivious
[7.6 months ago]
Delores breezed along the surface of her life like a flat stone forever
[7.6 months ago]
After your lover has gone you will still have PEANUT BUTTER!
[7.6 months ago]
-- Samuel Johnson
[7.6 months ago]
original and the part that is original is not good.
[7.6 months ago]
Your manuscript is both good and original, but the part that is good is not
[7.7 months ago]
A: Open other end.
[7.7 months ago]
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
[7.7 months ago]
Snow Day -- stay home.
[7.7 months ago]
Among the lucky, you are the chosen one.
[7.8 months ago]
You have a strong appeal for members of your own sex.
[7.8 months ago]
Excellent day to have a rotten day.
[7.8 months ago]
-- Ernest Hemingway
[7.8 months ago]
If two people love each other, there can be no happy end to it.
[7.9 months ago]
A: Yogurt has culture.
[7.9 months ago]
Q: What is the difference between Texas and yogurt?
[7.9 months ago]
An old man goes fishing, but doesn't have much luck.
[7.9 months ago]
-- by Ernest Hemingway
[7.9 months ago]
The Old Man and the Sea LITE(tm)
[7.9 months ago]
A husband and wife forget to register their gift preferences.
[7.9 months ago]
-- by O. Henry
[7.9 months ago]
Gift of the Magi LITE(tm)
[7.9 months ago]
A woman only likes men she can't have and the South gets trashed.
[7.9 months ago]
-- by Margaret Mitchell
[7.9 months ago]
Gone With The Wind LITE(tm)
[7.9 months ago]
Do not overtax your powers.
[8.0 months ago]
A: Dating a Canadian.
[8.0 months ago]
Q: What's a WASP's idea of open-mindedness?
[8.0 months ago]
Day of inquiry. You will be subpoenaed.
[8.0 months ago]
A: Open other end.
[8.0 months ago]
Q: What does it say on the bottom of Coke cans in North Dakota?
[8.1 months ago]
-- Wm. Shakespeare, "The Tempest"
[8.1 months ago]
Hell is empty and all the devils are here.
[8.1 months ago]
A: To get to the middle.
[8.1 months ago]
Q: Why did the WASP cross the road?
[8.1 months ago]
You are only young once, but you can stay immature indefinitely.
[8.2 months ago]
How unusual!
[8.2 months ago]
Someone is speaking well of you.
[8.2 months ago]
You have an unusual equipment for success. Be sure to use it properly.
[8.2 months ago]
Never look up when dragons fly overhead.
[8.3 months ago]
Give your very best today. Heaven knows it's little enough.
[8.3 months ago]
-- Pat Cadigan, "Mindplayers"
[8.3 months ago]
pleasance of the room I sat in seemed only grotesque.
[8.3 months ago]
would have cared normally but my viewpoint was skewed. The relentless
[8.3 months ago]
place for the dead until they can be parted out to organ banks. Not that I
[8.3 months ago]
cheerful primary colors and splashy bold graphics, but it's still a holding
[8.3 months ago]
A morgue is a morgue is a morgue. They can paint the walls with aggressively
[8.3 months ago]
After working late, a valiant warrior gets lost on his way home.
[8.3 months ago]
-- by Homer
[8.3 months ago]
The Odyssey LITE(tm)
[8.3 months ago]
feels guilty and apologizes.
[8.3 months ago]
A man sends a nasty letter to a pawnbroker, but later
[8.3 months ago]
-- by Fyodor Dostoevski
[8.3 months ago]
Crime and Punishment LITE(tm)
[8.3 months ago]
lady who knits.
[8.3 months ago]
like him has his head chopped off in France because of a mean
[8.3 months ago]
A man in love with a girl who loves another man who looks just
[8.3 months ago]
-- by Charles Dickens
[8.3 months ago]
A Tale of Two Cities LITE(tm)
[8.4 months ago]
You will be run over by a beer truck.
[8.4 months ago]
Give him an evasive answer.
[8.4 months ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "The Merchant of Venice"
[8.4 months ago]
It is a wise father that knows his own child.
[8.5 months ago]
You will have domestic happiness and faithful friends.
[8.5 months ago]
-- Vincent Sardi, Jr.
[8.5 months ago]
Don't worry. Life's too long.
[8.5 months ago]
thing he tells you.
[8.5 months ago]
Your analyst has you mixed up with another patient. Don't believe a
[8.6 months ago]
You have the power to influence all with whom you come in contact.
[8.6 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[8.6 months ago]
"... all the modern inconveniences ..."
[8.6 months ago]
You will inherit some money or a small piece of land.
[8.7 months ago]
A: Mu.
[8.7 months ago]
Q: What is the sound of one cat napping?
[8.7 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[8.7 months ago]
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
[8.7 months ago]
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
[8.7 months ago]
really worth having.
[8.7 months ago]
Your best consolation is the hope that the things you failed to get weren't
[8.8 months ago]
This will be a memorable month -- no matter how hard you try to forget it.
[8.8 months ago]
You will wish you hadn't.
[8.8 months ago]
A: One less drunk.
[8.8 months ago]
Q: What's the difference between an Irish wedding and an Irish wake?
[8.9 months ago]
You will be divorced within a year.
[8.9 months ago]
Tonight you will pay the wages of sin; Don't forget to leave a tip.
[8.9 months ago]
-- Mark Twain, "Pudd'nhead Wilson's Calendar"
[8.9 months ago]
put him at the head of the procession.
[8.9 months ago]
as men who "didn't know what fear was," we ought always to add the flea--and
[8.9 months ago]
an earthquake ten centuries before. When we speak of Clive, Nelson, and Putnam
[8.9 months ago]
afraid than is the man who walks the streets of a city that was threatened by
[8.9 months ago]
very lap of peril and the immediate presence of death, and yet is no more
[8.9 months ago]
to a sucking child; he lives both day and night and all days and nights in the
[8.9 months ago]
that in bulk and strength you are to him as are the massed armies of the earth
[8.9 months ago]
Whether you are asleep or awake he will attack you, caring nothing for the fact
[8.9 months ago]
bravest of all the creatures of God, if ignorance of fear were courage.
[8.9 months ago]
a loose misapplication of the word. Consider the flea!--incomparably the
[8.9 months ago]
creature be part coward it is not a compliment to say it is brave; it is merely
[8.9 months ago]
Courage is resistance to fear, mastery of fear--not absence of fear. Except a
[9.0 months ago]
Condense soup, not books!
[9.0 months ago]
-- Mark Twain
[9.0 months ago]
will always be useful and which never will grow dim or doubtful.
[9.0 months ago]
The man who sets out to carry a cat by its tail learns something that
[9.0 months ago]
You are magnetic in your bearing.
[9.1 months ago]
You are fighting for survival in your own sweet and gentle way.
[9.1 months ago]
-- Jack Kerouac, "On the Road"
[9.1 months ago]
like fabulous yellow Roman candles.
[9.1 months ago]
the ones who never yawn or say a commonplace thing, but burn, burn, burn
[9.1 months ago]
mad to talk, mad to be saved, desirous of everything at the same time,
[9.1 months ago]
The only people for me are the mad ones -- the ones who are mad to live,
[9.1 months ago]
Caution: breathing may be hazardous to your health.
[9.2 months ago]
Beware of a dark-haired man with a loud tie.
[9.2 months ago]
heel.
[9.2 months ago]
You'll feel devilish tonight. Toss dynamite caps under a flamenco dancer's
[9.2 months ago]
Another good night not to sleep in a eucalyptus tree.
[9.3 months ago]
You prefer the company of the opposite sex, but are well liked by your own.
[9.3 months ago]
A: Because that was her name.
[9.3 months ago]
Q: Why did the programmer call his mother long distance?
[9.3 months ago]
-- William Shakespeare, "Julius Caesar"
[9.3 months ago]
The abuse of greatness is when it disjoins remorse from power.
[9.4 months ago]
-- Sherlock Holmes
[9.4 months ago]
parsley had sunk into the butter upon a hot day.
[9.4 months ago]
Abernetty family was first brought to my notice by the depth which the
[9.4 months ago]
You will remember, Watson, how the dreadful business of the
[9.4 months ago]
Tomorrow will be cancelled due to lack of interest.
[9.4 months ago]
You're ugly and your mother dresses you funny.
[9.5 months ago]
A: None. The darkness will cause the light bulb to change by itself.